I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
