Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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