I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Randomize
