party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
