I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
