Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Randomize
