Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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