my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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