maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
