it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
