She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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