Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
