Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
