Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
