On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
