I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
