I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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