How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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