I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
