Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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