Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
