got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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