Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
