she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
We need a shit load of segways right now
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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