don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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