My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
