I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Randomize
