Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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