im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Actions speak louder than pants.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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