Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize