Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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