he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
