I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
