Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
The struggles of a small town man whore
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
