just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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