how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
