Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
