im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
