I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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