I've blown a few things in my day
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
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