oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
