On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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