Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
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