So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
