i think my tv is drunk
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
