I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
