Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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