take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
