For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
