I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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