oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
