Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize