Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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