Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
