hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Randomize
