He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
