My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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