dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
