Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
