life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
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