He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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