the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
