i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
