I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
